The Best Laid Plans

This has been quite a month, a month of finals. I wish I could say all of it was sweet and nice, like ending the four-year abusive relationship that is school, but that just isn’t how life works. I’ve had the worst combination of interests any one can have this year. Three of my favourite shows ended this month and the football team I support finished in a disgraceful position in the league. I would’ve written this piece earlier and it would have been all about finals and endings but intuition asked me to procrastinate. Little did I know that the universe was preparing me for another final, the last breath my friend would take. It is a terrible ordeal because this is the month he would have sat his final exam. I’m not very good at grieving, so instead I’ll tell a story he would have enjoyed listening to.
When I was younger and significantly less wise I ruined a lot of good relationships with phenomenal ladies without even realizing it. It’s always nice to learn and grow but it also gives you the burden of awareness of past mistakes. My life is governed by the principle of being better today than I was yesterday so given the chance I would correct all my failures. One day while running errands I came across one of these ladies. This one was a special one. She remained civil to me despite the million different ways in which I had messed up. That’s how I knew she was of a unique breed. This impromptu encounter took place in a bus. After exchanging pleasantries she took her seat behind mine. I extended an olive branch by paying her bus fare. I figured I would talk to her once we got to town, perhaps even buy her lunch. I wanted her back bad.
When a man loves a woman he finds every single way in which he can impress her. My opportunity presented itself right inside that bus. Anyone who has been to Nairobi knows that operating your phone when there’s slow traffic is quite risky. Street urchins have mastered the art of grabbing valuables from unsuspecting passengers and disappearing without a trace. Once in a while I defy this branch of street wisdom because I’m stubborn and hard-headed. This day was no different.
As I did so, I noticed a street kid eyeing me suspiciously, definitely contemplating to snatch my phone. I heard recently read up something called the caveman effect. This is a theory that suggests even in the twenty first century we are still very much attracted by the traditional and outdated gender roles. Men are drawn to women who cook and clean and the most appropriate example for women bearing the situation at hand would be that women want a man who demonstrates his ability to protect. With this information in mind, I figured the street kid would be my way of showing my ex how much I had evolved as a man, perhaps even remind her why she had been attracted to me in the first place.
I had the advantage in this situation. The kid was quite scrawny and short, plus the bus posed a challenge for his height. Most importantly, there was no woman he was trying to impress. Once I noticed him slowly making his way towards the bus I pocketed my phone with subtlety and continued to pretend that I was deeply engrossed. In my mind the boy would try to grab my phone. I would then take a hold of his hand and brutally introduce my fist to his face repeatedly before letting him go and acting like it was nothing. Perhaps I would even give a moving speech about theft and crime. I would say I noticed him moving towards my ex. This way I would be the hero who paid her fare and saved her phone. She would not turn down lunch with me. I had this in the bag.
My pawn in this very crucial game of chess was now inches from my window. I was still hunched over, pretending to be on my phone. In a split second, it happened. As fate would have it, even the best laid plans fail terribly and miserably. I looked up, expecting to see the hand I would grab go through the window. What I saw instead almost knocked the consciousness out of me. This little bugger had in his hand a very fat and seemingly long snake, which he pressed against the window and displayed a malicious grin.
At this point I could have still grabbed him and executed my knight in shining armor bit but I was in deep shock. Events that transpired next completely obliterated any chances of impressing my beloved. I simultaneously jumped and screamed, and not in any simple manner, no. You need to understand that my mind only had one goal at the time and that was to distance myself from the situation. So I jumped, or rather leaped Scooby Doo style, onto the lap of the woman sitting beside me. One would think that this was as embarrassing as it got. One would be wrong. As I leapt to safety my voice box conspired against me. I let out a scream and no, it was not of the manly variety. It was more like the sound a dog makes when you mistakenly step on its tail. The boy walked away laughing like the maniac he is, probably to scare the living daylight out of someone else.
Instead of my heroic speech I ended up giving a very humiliating explanation and apology to the woman I was now sitting on in full view of the lady I was trying to impress. I heard her giggling behind me, as many other passengers did, and I knew without a doubt that there was no way to recover from this. Needless to say I never invited her to lunch.

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