Oopsy Poopsy!

What goes around comes around and bites you where the rays of the sun don’t reach. When you send something negative forth it gains momentum and it eventually comes back to you like a wrecking ball. I can feel interest in this post going down so I believe now is a good time to inform my wonderful readers that this is not another one of those corny do good and positive vibes rumblings also called motivation. Okay, it somehow is, but it’s definitely not conventional.
About four years ago I met a very lovely young lady. We were both attending a church youth forum and she had been invited by her cousins, with whom she was staying for a couple of days. She caught me looking at her a few times and each time she smiled at me. I could feel a portion of my common sense depart as her lips curved to reveal milky white teeth. I introduced myself over lunch break and we immediately hit it off. She was charmingly smart and charismatic, but what completely got me was how she seemed to be enthusiastic about the same things as myself. We sat together the rest of the session, sharing the occasional joke and having to be shushed a few times. Disney had nothing on us. Needless to say, we exchanged contacts and agreed to hang out before she went back to her home. The date was set for three days later. My mother would be away at work and my brother would be up and about as he usually was. If not, “Boss jikate niko na dame” would definitely get rid of him.
The day finally came after what felt like an eternity. We had been sleeping late texting each other. She was funny, mature and easy to talk to. You don’t come across that kind of person every day. The speed and precision with which I cleaned the house still amuses me. I had a whole collection of romantic comedies because she had mentioned how much she loved those. There was lots of left over chicken and chapatti in the fridge and I had parted with a few coins to buy soda and snacks. The universe was on my side. When the miracle working “Nishukie wapi” phone call came through my heart went wild. This was it.
The date went wonderfully well and I was pretty sure I had met the love of my life. Before she left, she wanted to use the ladies room and I took this advantage to wipe her dusty shoes and then waited for her outside because I’m a proper gentleman. I even got her a jumper because it was getting a bit cold. She stayed a while in the washroom but I just assumed she was fixing up her makeup or texting her girlfriends to help her come up with the names of our future kids. I gave her my escort and stayed with her till she caught a bus, after I deliberately made her miss a few.
After she left I rushed home to get rid of any evidence that a girl was in the house. We all know African homes. At this point it is important to point out that I sometimes get turned off by the most trivial things. I’m a perfectionist. Things most people would consider insignificant can be a huge deal for me. For instance, I still have nightmares about the gigantic feet of one of my exes. It was hard to tell our sneakers apart. Whenever she visited and took off her shoes it looked like one of the guys was around. Anyway, with a smile on my face and happy tune in my heart I opened the door and I was immediately attacked by a beyond pungent smell. The entire house reeked like a clogged sewer. There was a faint hint of air freshener but it had given up in the face of this lethal adversary.
Like the warrior I am I went straight to the cause and discovered the culprit floating right where he had been left. He was green, long and well-built, and he had a pretty mean smirk on his face. He knew the fresh hell he had raised. I shiver every time I think that someone so beautiful could possibly create such a monster. Two flushes couldn’t get rid of this fella. I finally evacuated him by directly pouring a whole bucket of water very violently into the toilet bowl. I then opened all windows in the house, sprayed every room, lit a few incense sticks then took a shower. I felt violated. Needless to say, that was the last she ever heard of me.
Flash forward to four years later, yours truly is working in an office and the time has made me less petty. Unfortunately the same cannot be said about karma. The office toilet is out of bounds for everyone else except the office administrators. You could say it’s sacred, and I have it as a rule not to use it for “sophisticated business”, so to speak. I shall explain why.
The other day I got a call of nature and so I obliged. Judging by the lack of ease in that particular “call” I had not been having enough roughage. I delivered two big “businesses” and a half-sized one. After admiring my handiwork I pulled the lever to flush and joked with myself about my business not going through. What you confess is what you possess, my friends. Only one business gave in. I was in trouble. At the time there were only three other people in the office, with whom I was conversing before I excused myself. The office has a grass-thatched roof and there is no ceiling because it’s a tented camp. The toilet is right between two offices so everyone hears everything that goes on in there. I assured myself that it was nothing big, dillydallied a bit then went in for the second and hopefully last flush.
Karma was having a day. This time, only the half business got flushed. I was getting frustrated and I could feel the office get quieter, undoubtedly because everyone was wondering what was happening. Two flushes without an exit definitely raises some questions. When I tried the third flush I gave it my all but instead, I broke the lever and what’s worse is that my big business was still there. This is where it gets crazy. In order to get rid of my business completely with the next flush I had to be crafty so I used the toilet brush to cut it into smaller pieces. It’s not the noblest thing I’ve ever done but I was at the end of my rope. I then Opened up the plumbing tank and gave one mighty pull at the flushing mechanism. I was successful, but still very frustrated. Once everything settled I put back on the tank and cleaned the brush on the tap. I then devised a plan to pretend I had suddenly caught a vomiting bug because the truth was too embarrassing. I even took medication and pretended to vomit once more and asked to be excused early. Thankfully, nobody asked about the broken lever.
If the innocent lady I ghosted so many years ago happens to come across this I hope she understands that it wasn’t her fault. Anyway, karma has dealt me mine and I believe I’ve learnt my lesson. If you still have my number, do get in touch. Unfortunately I can’t ask your cousin because we’re now mortal enemies, which is another story for another blogpost.